How I Come to Love Myself Again

When we got married, like everyone else, we believed it would be “forever.” I was told that as long as I act, behave and give selflessly, I would never have to worry about my marriage. I was wrong. I have learned through my personal experience that being self-less without self-love can cause a backfire in a relationship.

Selfless

Being selfless is the act of showing love and care for other people before one’s personal need. If we put ourselves first then that is considered selfish, remember? I’m sure you have heard of that. I come from a family of strong, hardworking and selfless women. My grandmother raised my mom and all of her sisters, plus a brother by herself as a single mother. My mom learned early on the value of being selfless and ingrained that value in my head when I was young.

My mother was a wonderful mom, but she only learned to receive love and feel loved by tending to others. At the time, she was struggling with her own sense of self and her relationship with men. Consequently, she wasn’t around as much as I needed her to. At only 9 years-old, and as the oldest sister to my siblings, I became a young mommy to them. I remembered being so scared (and angry) waiting for my mom to come home.

I had to mature (too fast) to take on an adult’s responsibilities; forgetting to really be a child. Yes, other people were proud of me and praised me for being a dutiful and responsible daughter. Comments like that unconsciously fulfilled my craving for love and approval. It wasn’t long until I too fell into the pattern of believing that being “selfless” to others is the way to be loved.

This need to be selfless to be loved, to feel good about myself and to have a purpose continued to show up in my first marriage. When I was criticized, I thought maybe I needed to change or do more. When he yelled and became violent, I thought it was my fault. Until one day, I made the decision to reclaim the voice inside of me that I’m enough and I deserve better.

Divorce can be such an ugly place to be. I have never felt so lost, confused and so ashamed before. But like a caterpillar in a cocoon, I also have faith that I was going through a phase of transformation.

My two daughters became my source of hope and motivation to keep going. I wanted more than anything to be a good role model for them. I knew that to increase my capacity to love in a healthy way, I needed to focus on me. I needed to rediscover myself, rebuild my self-esteem and to love myself more.

Here’s how I come to love myself again.

I changed the way I talk about myself.

We can be our biggest critics. We were taught that it was egotistic and rude to brag about ourselves. Instead, we discount ourselves. We are quick to pinpoint our imperfections. We doubt ourselves. And, we take ourselves for granted. It’s important to recognize when the inner critic started to creep in and substitute it with what is true and what is good about yourself. Our words and language can make a huge impact in the way we believe, see and feel about ourselves. Like Brene Brown said, “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

I learned to let go of what other people think of me (it’s a daily practice).

My mother’s experience was a gift of an example for me. I saw firsthand how my mom had to deal with trying to please everyone but ended up ruining her relationship with herself. I saw the damage and pain she experienced when she allowed other people’s criticisms to affect her. I choose to believe that no one understands my journey more than I do so what other people think of me is only a reflection of them. This frees me to let go of what other people think of me.

I practice mirror work.

The mirror work is a personal transformation tool by Louise Hay and is used to help you learn to love yourself. The idea behind the Mirror Work is that our life experience is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. “Unless we see ourselves as loveable, the world can be a dark and lonely place.” This practice challenges you to look into the mirror every morning for 30 days and say to yourself “I love you.” Or, you can use other positive affirmations like, “I’m enough.” Louise’s favorite mantra, “All is well” has also become my favorite. It was extremely uncomfortable and awkward to do at first but this practice gave me the courage to face all the layers of insecurities that were either passed down to me through generations and or through my life experiences. With this practice, I have learned to love myself more deeply and develop self-compassion.

I learned to meditate.

As a single mom, I admit that life is hard. It’s so important to have some sort of tools or practices to keep you grounded and cope with the daily demands and stress. Meditation helps calm my mind and mental chatters; clearing the path to hear my heart and soul better. Meditation taught me to respect myself, forgive myself, and love myself.

Having faith and finding comfort in the Lord.

My faith and my relationship with God are my comfort and hope. When life gets tough, I turn to the Lord and trust that I am exactly where I’m meant to be. I have faith that everything will work out for my greater good. I have had experiences with blessings, answered prayers and miracles so I believe that there are more of them in store for me. I now believe that it’s essential for us to stay spiritually connected to something bigger and higher to guide us, to give us hope and to help us make sense of things in life.

I read and listen to audio books.

Reading and listening to speakers feed my mind and soul with new inspirations and hopes. Reading allows me to learn how other people cope with their life challenges. Through reading I gain new clarity and self-awareness; helping me to begin the healing and forgiveness process faster.

I listened to Christian music.

I love a variety of music, but Christian music has the power to uplift and heal me in such a divine way. I think it was because Christian music reminds us that we are whole, we are enough and we are loved as we are; whereas in some other music, they remind us of the pain and sadness in life.

I gave myself permission to receive love and support from others.

It’s scary to open up to people about our failures and our problems. But what I discovered is that there is power in being vulnerable. And it is through the sharing process that we find the hidden gift as well as healing. When we share our stories, our insecurities, we also give other people the courage to come out to share their struggle as well. I’m grateful for Hmong Women Today community for being my sisterhood where I was able to connect with many other women who are like me, who gets me. Sometimes we forget how much we all need each other. If you ever find yourself in a lonely place, please don’t stay there. Please reach out because there are always other people who are or have been where you are and can be a support to you.

For the woman who is currently going through a transitioning in your life or if you’re in any kind of emotional pain, know that you’re not alone. Take this time to focus on you. By this, I’m not referring that you change who you are or that you let yourself go. Don’t rush into another relationship. Focus on you means to take the time to go inward and get to know yourself, and to love yourself deeply. I learned that we cannot give what we do not have. When in doubt, just love yourself!

My name is Vilay Ly and I’m a Life Coach at Unleash Your Inner Light. If I can be of any support to you in your journey, then that would be my joy, my purpose.