Ua Siab Ntev

Remember that long Hmong marriage counseling that feels like a lecture on your wedding ceremony telling you to “ua siab ntev”?

I do! I remembered how it was pounded into my ears by all of my aunts, uncles, and my parents to “ua siab ntev.” They said that my ability to be patient as a Hmong woman would make or break who I become as a wife and a daughter-in-law. I didn’t really understand the concept of it because I was a young bride then. I listened, and I tried to practice that, but this cultural value had always bothered me deep down in my heart and soul. This value that to be a good Hmong woman or a good Hmong wife, I must listen to my husband, do as told by him and to always “ua siab ntev.”

I believe that tolerance and patience are essential in building a harmonious marriage. However, I also think that we have used this phrase of “ua siab ntev” in a way that keeps our women oppressed and disempowered, both intentionally and unconsciously.

Over the years, this phrase has been given as an automatic advice to a woman who turned to her elders for help when she has a problem in her marriage. I have heard and witnessed countless stories of how the elders who served as respected counsels, telling a woman to continue to “ua siab ntev” and to go back to her abusive or adulterous husband for the sake of her children.

“It will work out if only she is ‘siab ntev.'”

“Her husband would never cheat if only she was ‘siab ntev.'”

“Children will come if she is ‘siab ntev.'”

These are some comments we heard over and over.

With the rise of domestic violence, adulteries, and Hmong murder-suicides, I wonder how much this has to do with the pressure our society expect our Hmong women to “ua siab ntev”?

How long does a woman have to “ua siab ntev” for? Until another rib is broken? Until another woman enters her marriage coven? Until we hear about another Hmong spousal murder-suicides in the news?

I’m sure that back then when the elders advised women to “ua siab ntev” was serving a good reason since it was probably the only option for them to keep having a place in society. Many believe that a Hmong woman needs to have a husband not only for survival reason but also for a spiritual reason. However, because of this limiting belief, we have kept our women oppressed.

It was unfortunate that our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers grew up in a time where they did not have a voice. They had no choice but to “ua siab ntev.” They were taught to stick it through no matter what happened. So it was their only salvation, and the label of being named as an outcast scared them. They weren’t welcome anywhere they went, and they had no education to survive on their own.

In this day and age, I say to you my Hmong sisters, let’s become the leader of your voice and your inspiration. Many Hmong women have emerged as a model of possibilities and inspiration to everyone far and wide. I say, let’s not be afraid now of our society’s label! Let’s not allow such label to define who we are as women. We have earned the right to stand alongside the male gender and fight for our voices. Our mothers and grandmothers have tolerated and suffered enough. To “ua siab ntev” is to be cast in a film only to be cut out in the ending. Let’s not give permission for others to tell us what we are worth.

It is time to take a deeper look at the cultural root that binds us sisters down to an abusive marriage and a loveless union. We have the right to find happiness and take 100% for our lives. Sometimes “ua siab ntev” takes us nowhere but limiting ourselves from really living a life that honors us as a valuable member of society.

I am not saying for you to leave your husband when there’s an argument. I’m saying, let’s re-evaluate this phrase of “ua siab ntev” and see how does it still serve you today. Yes, being patience is important in order to find solution and change for the better of a union. I encourage you to keep working on your marriage if it is not life threatening situation. But if ever you feel threatened, then by all mean, get out and reach out for help. It is time that we step forward and change the way we view and believe about this phrase of “ua siab ntev.”

If you would like to become a Hmong Women Today guest writer, please contact Annie at annie@hmongwomentoday.com